there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
