I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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