I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
