Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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