I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
