Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
