I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
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You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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