matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
