Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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