my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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