the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
