At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
