I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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