If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
