Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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