I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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