chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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