it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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