If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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