I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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