I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I believe in your delicious
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
