Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
