I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
