i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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