so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
