Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
