I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
