...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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