There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
