I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
