Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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