i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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