Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
