just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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