So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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