I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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