I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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