one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think I won the penis lottery.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
