All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
