Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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