i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
