i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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