Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
