You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
