I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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