new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
