so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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