Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
