Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
