Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
