pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
