The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
