Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
