i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
