Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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