dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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