Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
