I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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