At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
be right there i have to get my cape
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
