Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Randomize
